T O P

Einstein said “If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.” How would you explain your job?

Einstein said “If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.” How would you explain your job?

jprophet

I tell people to turn their computer off and on again when they claim it's broken.


OscarOstos

Ohh... So You're the hacker man


Pillowmaster7

I wipe old people butts and give them company.


Big-Daddddy

Old people need some lovin’ too


[deleted]

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LAWLUK

Why was he banned?


[deleted]

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CR4T3Z

I didnt think it was even possible to get banned from askreddit


[deleted]

Hold my beer


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Pillowmaster7

Damn straight, but I never get the mean ones, just the nice little one, it also helps that I'm 6'2" with 225 lbs and they call me a teddy bear.


NewRandomNickname

Hey fellow ass wiper, as somebody in the field I can say that during this pandemic it's better to be on this "other end", at least there is no chance to cough in your face!:)


tiredbutworking

Okay but if they do cough, you might get something else in your face....


MoistnSquishy

I glue metal together, with the help of fireworks.


rakuran

I shoot lightning at metal until it glues together The other half of the job is hitting naughty metal with a hammer because it's misbehaving 😂


AFrostNova

Oh you mean steampunk dildos that don’t work right?


RayAnselmo

People send me the books they wrote, and I fix the books to make them better.


First-Fantasy

Money launderer?


liquor_for_breakfast

"Creative accountant"


ionised

"I write fiction. I neither confirm nor deny anything else."


GrimmSheeper

Lawyer?


0010200304

I thought this was so funny I had to send it to my dad (who is an accountant) and he texted me back and said you can just call me chef cuz I cook the books LOL


Liar_tuck

That is the funniest thing I heard all day, thanks I need that.


CesarTheSanchez

... With a wrench?


Coconut4444

Book cooker


_THICC_BIG_CHUNGUS_

Proofreader?


mikey-dikey-

I clean **everybody's** bedrooms.


livija1919

Well you’ve done a poor job at cleaning mine. Edit: holy crap! First gold!! Thanks stranger!!


CaptchaSolvingRobot

Yeah, I too demand a refund.


Master-Wordsmith

Remember when I brainwashed you to make you forget the entire day? No? Exactly. You still haven’t paid me for it.


randomname72

You best not come in here


TheGiraffe345

What is a maid?


mikey-dikey-

Close enough, room cleaning at a hotel.


_Diakoptes

Better get over here and get it done or I'm not paying you... Again


Loeb123

I convince people they need things they don't actually need.


kenya28

What is Advertising?


Loeb123

Bingo!


Brandocks

I think it's jeopardy but okay


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WanderingGhost30

As someone who works in advertising, have you ever come across an ad for a product that was actually useful and of good quality?


seco-nunesap

(Not OP)It happens a lot. Honestly, i find advertisements somewhat useful.


PandaRider11

Some people and businesses have so much money that they don’t have time to count it themselves so I count it for them.


choiboi4

money launderer! jk accountant


Sexybroth

I take your money and give you alcohol.


mcguire

You're a superhero?


KennethPowersIII

A superhero wouldn’t take the money.


Wakanda_Forever

Homelander: Observe


jedislander

Bootleggers may save this pandemic...


EvilMorty_TngG

Jesus? I thought you use water..


PresidentSuperDog

I make radioactive Gatorade to help doctors look at cancer.


Brudy123

That sounds metal as hell


TannedCroissant

‘PET Scan’ would be a great metal band name


uberfission

Hey could you make a tastier version? Or at least one that doesn't taste like it's already been digested once? I'm assuming you're making GI contrast for CAT scans?


switzerlandguy

True, i've done an intership in this job and got the chance to drink a little bit of it, it taste like trash i agree


ilikedeadpeople

When I was 11, I got a CAT scan because of piercing pains in my stomach that they feared was appendicitis. I had to drink what felt like 2 gallons of Mt Dew, and nearly barfed it all back up - the only thing that kept it down was the terror of having to start over. Then the technicians burst veins in BOTH of my arms trying to IV me up (sticking me multiple times and wiggling the needle around) so I had two huge “bruises” on my arms for like a week. I lay on that bed sobbing. When I finally got my scan, we realized that I didn’t have appendicitis. Turns out I was just constipated.


Sombrelac

Your mom and dad don’t know how to talk to their computer and, because of this, they make it mad sometimes. So, I talk to it for them and make them friends again.


didnotsub

Tech support scammer?


dudasthegamer

Helo i am wit microsoft ur compootor hav viros


[deleted]

"Wer no microsoft, were windoews!"


papaskank

"Yes I have a windows from apple I would like to ask you for your help. I seem to have a virus on my computer. It seems my MacBook from Asus is locked out of the internets. I can no longer use chrome explorer."


TannedCroissant

Is your job being C3PO?


yourexcellentboiiii

I put little children on narrow sticks and make them go down a hill, over and over again.


Imperial_LMB

Always remember to Pizza and French fry!


rocketdong69420

If you french fry when you're supposed to pizza, you're gonna have a bad tiiiimme. Edit: I typed it backwards. My bad.


Nachohead1996

Other way around :p pizza = slow, french fry = fast :)


rocketdong69420

Shit. You right. Oops. XD


Fuzbucket22

Sounds like you're making rotisserie children.


ivell12

Im guessing a ski instructor. But the description sounds horrifying 😂


Tengam15

Especially when you realize they're saying this to a 6-year-old


Kahzgul

You could just tell a six year old that you teach people how to ski. They know what skiing is. Source: Have six year old.


Uberfrank2016

I make sure teachers and students have computers, beamers, laptops and tablets and I help them learn how to use them.


warrofua

What are beamers? Besides BMW’s


Aardbeienshake

A projector. I suspect OP might be a fellow Dutch, as we call them beamers ans that sounds as an English word to us, though it isn't used for this thingy in English.


SiBloGaming

OP might be a german, we also call it beamer.


tedbaz

I give people light....I am...a thunder god. Jk electrician


Surroundedbygoalies

Thor?


tedbaz

Naturally I’d pick Zeus because I’m Greek


CaptVulnerable

Books! You want 'em, we got 'em. But bring them back when you're done so others can enjoy them too.


rocketdong69420

What is librarian!


rafael-a

I don’t work and I don’t get paid


SeedlessGrapes42

Ahh, an entrepreneur!!!


thedoyle19

The mlm business owner.


[deleted]

Found the independently wealthy gadfly.


jayrap174

I speak a special language that computers understand and I use this language to tell computers what to do and how to do it.


kicratapha

'I tell computers what to do, and then they tell me i'm wrong and stupid and then they tell me why im a failure'


MrAcurite

It's not your computer telling you that, it's us telling you that, because you voluntarily started programming in PHP


evildeadmike

After jayrap174 makes the computer do something, I try it out and make sure it does what it’s supposed to do. I also try to break it on purpose...


Exyria

Not gonna lie, best translation here so far


InadequateChris

Thank you for not lying!


BananaBossFX

I know, right? A man of his word! Do you think he’d take me out for a beer sometime?


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Zukuto

ah, you speak google then


Usidore_

I'm gonna use this. I still don't understand what I do though.


vAltyR47

"I teach a rock infused with lightning how to think."


FarRightExtremist

I am a database whisperer.


CyberLykan

Some kid: What's a day-ta-base?


Owlstorm

Just a cupboard inside your computer to keep keys and strings.


helloreddits456464

I use this language to politely ask the computer to do magical things for me that I'll never understand


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GlitteringInstrument

Behavior technician or special aid teacher?


glittercheese

Occupational therapist?


panspal

I sell weed


Grodstophenzee

most honest answer here, i like it.


Bones232

What is weed


panspal

Its drugs Timmy!


dragonbloodg

What is drugs?


las194

Stuff that makes you happy, Timmy!


dragonbloodg

Can Timmy have drugs? Timmy wants to be happy


smaxpw

Sure, take this tab and put it on your tongue and Mickey Mouse will arrive soon to play with you.


SpookyRedheadRabbit

I make drawings and write stuff for websites. .... Mostly hardcore pornography.


mucky012

What's pornogamy?


DeusVULT1097

It’s like mommy and daddy when you hear weird noises from their room. Pornography is being able to watch


MaybeImJustTired

Let me watch mommy


mquon775

*puts hand on child's shoulder* "No." *looks at camera* "Incest is actually a very serious problem in general."


MaybeImJustTired

*sweet home Alabama playing in background* "You never know if there's a better cousin. Don't rush" Edit: thanks for the award, sis/bro


[deleted]

This thread needs to die


peppers_taste_bad

The practice or state of a reddit users sexual relationship


Liar_tuck

I clean hospitals to keep people there from getting sicker.


cichlidmalawi

I work in a special place where older peoples brains don't work like they used to


alltherobots

Oh hello, Senator.


[deleted]

obligatory "I am the senate"


Lions-r-trash

Not yet.


AndyWinds

It's treason then


SeedlessGrapes42

Look at me. ***I am*** the senate now.


NanaStone

I’m the nice lady that tells your doctor you’re ready to be seen. I make sure there is plenty of hot chocolate and prizes for our brave little patients.


mcguire

Not gonna lie, I could really use some hot chocolate and prizes right now. And probably a new lawnmower.


NanaStone

Sorry, no lawnmower. This is the best I can do (we give away lots of toy cars) 🚗🚒🏎


jax9999

not gonna lie... a toy car would be awesome right now


MindfulMuser

I need a new doctor. My doctor's version of this is neither nice nor does she give me hot chocolate.


NanaStone

I treat everyone that same way I’d want my family treated. I always try to make the patients smile just a little bit, and succeed most of the time. And it’s always a good day when I get hugs...I miss hugs...


ForgettableNEET

Sometimes people who aren't stupid write like they're stupid. Luckily they aren't, and so they hire me to fix it.


ashtar123

Wot? I dont know what it is.


jungl3j1m

Editor or proofreader?


ForgettableNEET

Proofreader, yeah. I'm mostly unemployed but I charge my classmates $20 to turn a D- to a B+


IMightNotBeKevin

When people poop and put too much toilet paper in the toilet and the poop wont go down so people use a plunger to make a mess, am called to make the poop go down.


DiabloConQueso

Ah, this one’s easy: you’re a father to young children.


Ray_Bone

I turn dead animals in a wide variety of eatable dead animal parts for a specific German supermarket chain brand.


[deleted]

I think that would make a 6 year old scream.


Ray_Bone

Probably. But atleast you know then for sure that you understood your job.


SILVER_Grape

I help clean poopy water from cities and turn it into environmentally safe water that's usable. Edit: WOW Thanks for the upvotes! I really enjoy my job and how the whole process works. YouTube some of wastewater videos it's pretty awesome.


BulldogMama13

Hey hey fellow turd herder


SILVER_Grape

Well hello!! 💩


My_Sugarwalls

Thank you for the safe water


Cookie_Dodger

What's the worst thing people put into the system?


SILVER_Grape

Grease fats oils, but that's mostly bad for your home plumbing. With tp being hoarded people are flushing pieces of clothing that's pretty bad. Cause streets to back up. Properly dispose paints, and other chemicals at a proper disposal place stuff like that can kill our "bugs" that eat the organic material or pass through our treatment facility if the plant isn't made to handle it. Otherwise crazy stuff that shown up at my facility, shopping cart, 1×3×4 board, golf balls, money, rubber duckies (other small toys) and think one of my coworkers said a long while back a limb or something was found... who knows.


jimmbean

Flushable wipes. Those things are NOT flushable, and are a nightmare to unclog from pumps.


Ummmmmq

Wat ith "enviwomendiwy"


SILVER_Grape

Lol nature, plants, animals, rocks, oceans, rivers, lakes.


Paladin_Of_Music

I play videogames and cry


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uk_uk

Presidential advisor?


SaveyK

I babysit adults who drink too much juice and make bad decisions.


CallousedFoot

Cop who guards the drunk tank?


SaveyK

Ah almost. All drunk people make bad decisions in my opinion lol. Im a bartender


PresidentOfLeikovia

Bro surely it would be "I give sad adults happy juice so they feel good but make bad decisions."


catherinerader

I was gonna guess that you worked in a rehab facility lol


garlic_chive_bagel

Kid, I TEACH you


Mist3rTryHard

You know those people on YouTube who do countdown and list videos? I write their scripts, among other things.


WeedWooloo

Can you make one of them do a list of top 10 YouTube script writers?


aberrantforestcat

And all of them are you


FV0000

You should do an AMA


Arkmer

At this point I think a six year old could explain software development better than me.


timleg002

human -> computer -> Work done !


DragonMeme

You know how you can flick a wine glass and it rings? That's great! It means it's good quality glass. But if you wrap your hand around it and flick it again... it doesn't ring at all. That's lowers the quality. To make mirrors, we have to take glass and cover it in stuff. That stuff is like your hand, it lowers the quality. In a lot of science experiments, they need high quality mirrors. Better than the ones in your bathroom. My job is to find stuff with higher quality to turn glass into high quality mirrors. OR Everything in the universe shakes a little bit. I try to find materials that shake less than others.


mucky012

Nice


Octopath1987

I must be 5 years old 'cause i didnt understand any of this


[deleted]

he is paid to hate things that shake. so like the opposite of a pimp


DrHungrytheChemist

I wish to know more. Please now explain like I'm 16.


DragonMeme

There is this inherent property materials have called *thermal noise*. It's basically how much the material shakes at the atomic level. How much thermal noise a material has is dependent on a variety of factors such as ambient temperature and the molecular structure. Glass is structured in such a way that is has very low thermal noise at room temperature (it's the reason glass rings for so long when you flick it). But the materials we coat it with to make it reflective... that has really poor thermal noise. So I do research in finding coatings that have lower thermal noise for high-precision measurements that use mirrors. Both in the material and in *how* you make and apply said materials to the glass.


Magicbean96

I'm the lady with the sing song voice and a bag full of toys that helps the children in school who need extra help.


DavidB901

I ask people for what food they want and then make sure the get it and like it


DiligentShopping

[Albert Einstein never said this.](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Albert_Einstein#Misattributed)


WeedWooloo

“This.” -Albert Einstein


S-r-ex

"Don't believe everything you read on the internet" - Abraham Lincoln


ChapinD93

I fly airplanes from a computer on the ground


underground_whore

I listen to what one person says in one language then I say it in another language so two people who don’t speak the same language can understand each other


FLLV

Thanks, Google!


sunnyfel

I make pretty pictures and stories to sell products. And I spy other companies to check that we have the best pictures and stories. Gosh, I realize I have no idea how much a 6yo knows ?!


fervent_muffin

Most of the time I don't understand my job so I'm not even gonna try.


The-RealElonMusk

I put items on a shelf so that people can exchange hours of their lives for the items


Exyria

I keep the environment healthy so that everyone can enjoy it


DeusVULT1097

I wake up everyday and got to a school where I hold human organs and learn about how humans work


ButterScotchMagic

I make sure everyone does their to-do list on time


iamthemorgs

I answer the phone when you have emergency and need to dial 911. And I tell the police, firefighters or paramedics where to go to help you. But you should only call me on 911 if you have an emergency! Coincidentally, this is also how I describe my job to adults.


OnyxNyxia

I make donuts look pretty.


Malarkay79

I take pictures of people’s bones using poisonous light.


[deleted]

"Don't worry, I just do what I'm told and hope for the best."


paging_dr_green

I'm in grown-up school and it's really, really long. I've been in grown-up school since they were born. I'm in grown-up school so that I can help people who have trouble in their lives and are sad and scared a lot of the time to learn how to build the life they want. I also do experiments to try find new ways to help people feel better. Then, I write about my experiments to tell other people who want to help people feel better about the best ways to do that. Sometimes I also teach big classes to young grown-ups in young grown-up school who might want to go to big grown-up school.


Kovarian

Psychology PhD candidate? I was thinking med school with a psychiatry track, but I don't think there's as much teaching and interacting with undergrads in that path.


[deleted]

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expectationatzero

I use a machine to smash apart food ingredients into just about the tiniest pieces possible to make sure they are safe to taste and smell.


billyhorseshoe

I'd say "Hi kids, I'm your teacher". They'd probably understand.


investinlove

I stir broken grapes until they turn to wine.


Coconut4444

I buy clothes that people did not want any more. Then I bring them home, and clean them and take pictures of them, and sell them on the computer to people who do like them. They pay me more money than I bought them for. This is what we call a win/win/win/win.


Nebulae360

I catch the bad guys who decide to not go to the grown up principals office.


ButtcrackBird1

I squeeze my sweaty man boobs together to make it look like a buttcrack. Then the customers place dollar Bill's in between the crack and oogle my boobs as I wiggle and jiggle them in their face.


StigmaticClown8

I'm afraid to ask what you do...


RayAnselmo

He's clearly a Republican politician.


paragontrigger

I design and sculpt tiny fantasy figures for grown ups


Left_Fin

You know how grownups like to write stuff down in big, long, boring lists? Sometimes those lists get so big that even the people that wrote them don't understand what the list contains anymore. I trick those lists into telling me all their interesting secrets.